as empty as

on a dusty typewriter
devoid of ribbon
lacking in black
i type to write
but fail,
as much on paper as in mind.

nothing more to say
perhaps
or just no other way to say it.
see, we went through all the motions
all the trials and tribulations
of late night early morning phone calls
and an eternity of desperation -
pleading
crying
begging
faking
swearing
lying
hating
shouting
gently gently gently sobbing
into lonely palms no longer held by yours.

yet still, as centuries have passed
and generations died,
no change -
just left with nothing more
than daytime television,
memories and wine.

and so as
red and white denial breeds
red and white desire to
read and write words
that never will be seen

on a rusty typewriter
devoid of ribbon
yet never so black
i type to write
but fail,
my words as empty
as a starless winter sky
about to rain.

(2006)

dissolution

restless legs spite tired eyes.

3am and wide awake with thoughts

like crashing cars.

absence and regret collide inside

this acid stomach,

where all the words i swallowed

dissolve and turn to bile.

now forced past this bitter smile

every lie and love and decomposing line

is flushed away.

too early and too late to be awake.

too cold to be outside.

too old to be alive.

too young to be the bearer of bad tidings.

3.17am - i toss and turn and shake and hope

the nightmares are no worse when i'm asleep.

misread

you misread my words
and now there's nothing left to say.
try to speak my mind
but find that i'm too tongue tied.
thought we'd left the past behind
but it seems the future is the same -
it just has a different name.
yet i still see your eyes smile
as I close mine.
we never said
will never say
goodbye.

train home

pulled away into the night again
to head back into the past.
and this could be the last trip you ever make
if you would take the chance. you know i know you won't.
the city flickers like a candle in the windows,
orange winter streetlamp glow
until the bridges bend you into places you don't know.
a voice in your ears put thoughts in your head.
it feels like you haven't slept for years
and that christmas was last week, not next.
nobody to talk to but you don't want to listen anyway.
close your eyes and dream of new year's day.

november sunday, 3pm

cold, tired bones from open windows
give us headaches like the winter.
red wine stained and blood drained
on a sunday afternoon,
we pop paracetamol and aspirin
or whatever comes to hand
(all non-brand because it’s cheaper
and we can’t afford the names)
and count down the next four hours
as our teeth begin to ache.

the floor is stella-littered,
stale warmth in slightly dented cans.
and tonight could be our last night,
so we remember to each other
faces we’d forgotten and girls we thought we loved
to songs we fell asleep to so many years ago.
outside, alive, the sky dims like a slowly dying light
as we close our eyes to thoughts of staplers and spreadsheets
and the crazed and hazy line between what went wrong and right.

last exit from brooklyn

get through the night by dreaming

of fucking you over

(and over again).

5am sky and a cigarette ride

across the brooklyn bridge -

big city lights goodbye

soaked up sucked in

and now slowed down

through decaffeinated eyes

as green signs point towards dead presidents

and unspoken, reluctant farewells.

america is gone

perhaps it's your perfume that reminds me of new york
but london smells like america tonight -
candy flossed and codeine scented.
below, the pizzeria's late night orders
float through the window and the rain,
wine stained and garlicy,
as another summer sets.
there is no autumn, just the fall
and a sad face full of smiles.
through the wall, next door's television
blares muffled lives into our limbs entwined
and beneath the sheets the coffee on your breath is death -
raw morning nerves and cigarettes,
the sticky sickly salt sweet sweat
of missing love and hard times debt,
a life of work and fading dreams
like dirty shirts that always go unironed.
and though i swear i thought i smelled you twice today
i know i'm wrong. that's just a song -
america is gone and the new york streets are far too far away.